IIn this day and age, it has become common for movie stars to develop their own little side hustle. Ghouinith baltrowfor example, Goop and Rob Lowe He has a podcast. Then there’s Terrence Howard. Terrence Howard Bustle is developing a new hydrogen technology to help defend Uganda’s sovereignty.
It’s almost a shame to back this up with anything as ugly as the details, but here it goes. Last week, the actor, singer and aborted war machine Terrence Howard received an invitation from Ugandan Agriculture Minister Frank Tomoebazi to give a speech to help attract investment from people in the Ugandan diaspora.
This in and of itself is fairly common. Persuading a famous person to say some nice, non-offensive things about a topic or issue has long been part of the awareness raising toolkit. However, there was a problem this time. The problem was that Terrence Howard did not act in a non-offensive manner. No, Terence Howard does nothing but impenetrable dirt.
“I went out to explore a new way to understand how the universe works,” he told the audience in a video quickly shared by UBC Uganda. “I was able to figure out the grand unified field equation that they were looking for, and put it into engineering. What I’m saying is we invented a new form of aviation that I would like to bring here to Uganda to replace drones, to replace helicopters, to replace airplanes… This is hydrogen engineering.”
Time and time again, he somehow manages to cram several decades of gobbledygook into two short minutes. Talk about a new drone system, Lynchpin, that can use seemingly unlimited hydrogen bonds and supersymmetry to form mass colonies that can defend countries and remove plastic from the ocean.
Now, that obviously sounds cool, because who wouldn’t want to have safer frontiers and cleaner seas powered by the power of supersymmetry? So I searched Google for “Super Symmetry” and found a website called Super Symmetric Systemswho does nothing but babble about how humanity’s purpose is “deliberately inserted into our genetic code. Like a semi-atomic initial directive, interwoven for us to search for the Greater Truth, to remember the lost echoes of conversations from the past and to reveal what was never discovered.”
So I started clicking, and found a link on the site called “Terry on Wave Fields”. This took me to the site where Terrence Howard explains his infamous (and arguably inaccurate) claim that One multiplied by one equals two. It contains one video entitled “Terrence Proving Gravity is an Effect, Not a Cause”, with explanations of phenomena such as “Hyperbolic Geometric Inertial Systems” and “Asymmetric Non-Euclidean Asymmetry of Force in Motion”. Also contains another video of Terrence Howard He sings the second song from his 2008 album.
Anyway, long story short, I am now convinced that Terrence Howard is the smartest guy in the universe. It should be, for sure. Because I don’t understand a single thing he’s saying. By all accounts, no one else does.
Below the UBC tweet, you’ll find dozens of people all painfully unsure of how to respond to his solution to the uniform field equation. All the coverage it has received, far from attracting diaspora money to Uganda, has really achieved a kind of amazing inability to process anything. Even the people around Howard in the clip are actively starting to appear uncomfortable the longer he continues to talk, in the same way that you do when you realize you’re too far from a conversation with a Jehovah’s Witness to politely back off.
Well, listen, one of two things is going to happen here. Either Terrence Howard has gone bananas, reacting to the disintegration of his personal reputation (he has been accused of domestic violence multiple times) by falling into a hole of obscure math that ensures he’s never taken seriously again. Or he’s right, and he’ll one day have an army of armed ultra-symmetric killing drones at his solitary disposal. And I don’t exactly want to get on his bad side if that happens, so you’ll excuse me for sitting on the fence.
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